Reflections

Occasionally, one overhears something about themselves which is unflattering. It is an odd thing, to hear oneself being described. When it is complimentary, it is strangely pleasing; when it is not, it is the rabbit in the headlights situation, unbearable to hear but unable to tear oneself away. The need to step into the conversation and say, actually, no it wasn't like that really, there was more to the situation than that, is overwhelming but it is also rather humiliating to hear ones behaviour disected and so one doesn't step in, doesn't provide the other side of the story or any defence, rather stand, sit, lie in silence thinking how huge the difference is between two peoples view of the same situation.

Occasionally, one views a situation from an odd perspective. It is as if one is watching the situation from afar, through the wrong end of a telescope. Viewing something happening and knowing that one is powerless to change the outcome. To see oneself as someone else might, rude, diffident, dismissive, exclusive, but feeling unable to change the course. Hard to take, hard to change, and like a coward, one from which one retreats, runs, hides.

Occasionally, one is able to sit down and look back at recent events as if they are watching it on a screen, from a distance. To write and reflect and realise that things need to be addressed, to be changed, to be rectified. It is so very easy to do that, but so very hard to actually make the changes. Saying sorry isn't the hardest part; saying sorry and changing behaviour is the hardest part.

Occasionally, one can be so self-absorbed that they make a situation all about them. It isn't.